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【雅思作文批改】6.5分：结尾段的语句不够精炼
【雅思作文批改】6.5分：结尾段的语句不够精炼1、危险的运动应该被取消 ，这样的话题出现的还是比较普遍的，相对来说也比较好写，但也因为范围太广不好找切入点，这位同学写得还不错，看看他是怎样展开思路的？
作文题目：
Some people think that
dangerous sports should be banned,but others think the people should have
freedom to choose sports activities.Discuss both views and give your opinion.
作文内容：
Extreme sports are becoming
increasingly popular due to the fact that individuals nowadays are awash with
repeated daily work and want to find something exciting to do.Although a
group of people believe that the dangerous sports should be banned,I firmly
hold the opinion that people have their rights and freedom to choose sports
activities.
There is no doubt that extreme
sports may be life-threatening.Even if the security facilities have been
improved significantly compared to the past,accidents do exist.For
instance,every year there are some people getting injured or even losing
their lives in bungee jumping as a result of the loose cords or jumping from
a inappropriate place.From this perspective,it seems that in order to protect
human beings from danger,dangerous sports should be restricted.
However,doing dangerous sports is
an effective way to alleviate stress and make people cherish their
lives.Nowadays,owing to the fast flow of information,individuals live a
fast-paced life.When they finish certain works,now ones quickly flock to them
which could breed high pressure.In this circumstance,extreme sports such as
skydiving can help them get rid of the troublesome work[A1]
as they need to totally focus on
the dangerous sports,which means,they have little time to think about their
work.Moreover,people may cherish their lives more via experiencing the
frightening feelings of death.
To conclude,although extreme
sports like bungee jumping and skydiving may be life-threatening,the
probability is quite small.Also,the
dangerous activities are beneficial because they could alleviate stress and
make people cherish their lives.[A2] Therefore,they should be continued
and the authorities have the duty to make the security facilities more
reliable.
[A1]摆脱的不是工作，而是工作带来的压力，这里需要修改；
[A2]和上面的重复过多，缓解压力变相表达就是心情变得更加愉悦，可以从这个角度来改变表达方式，后者及意识的生命的宝贵，不可直接把上面的句子拿下来
各项细评：
针对问题最大的一点给出修改建议：
结尾段的语句不够精炼，这点给整篇文章拉分。希望今后不要出现结尾段直接和上面表达雷同的情况，并且表达方式可以更加灵活
附批改原图：
雅思热文
雅思小作文 结尾
在雅思小作文的结尾部分，你可以简要总结图表中的总体趋势。比如，如果你的图表显示了一段时间内某种数据的变化情况，可以在结尾简要描述这一变化趋势。这样做不仅能够提升文章的逻辑性和连贯性，还能帮助考官更好地理解你的观点。当然，总结时只需一两句话即可，不需要过多赘述，这样既能有效传达信息，又能避免冗长。如果你觉得结尾部分需要更多的字数来凑字，不妨总结一下图表中的关键数据。例如，你可以提到图表中的最高点或最低点，或者描述某个时间段内的显著变化。这样的总结不仅能增加文章的长度，还能展示你对图表内容的理解和分析能力。
值得注意的是，在总结时要避免重复图表中的具体细节，而是要提炼出关键信息，进行概括性描述。这样不仅能提高文章的质量，还能更好地展现你的写作技巧。
总而言之，在雅思小作文的结尾部分，简要总结图表中的总体趋势或关键数据，不仅能帮助你更好地完成写作任务，还能提升文章的整体质量。希望这些建议对你有所帮助。
雅思作文结尾用语整理
【 #雅思# 导语】有时候，你必须一个人走，这不是孤独，而是选择。我们时时刻刻都在选择，你选择过什么样的生活就需要付出什么样的代价。 ！请看这么一道题及其结尾：
Wild animals have no place in the 21st century. Some people think that preventing these wild animals from dying out is a waste of resource. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
结尾1：
Someone said safeguard of wild animals is a waste of resource, but I do not agree. It seems we would spend some time, wealth and manpower on this meaningless thing. Actually we also do this for human being ourselves. Let’s protect wild animals right now.
评：结尾第一句话，是对于考官给出的观点的转述，应放在文章开头就出现。结尾不是申明中心句，而应是对全文观点的总结。作文要收的坚定有力，seems让文章显得说服力不足，meaningless跟全文观点相孛。最后一句有喊口号的意味，不符合英语议论文的习惯，同样的意思可改换客观平实的文风收尾。
结尾2：
To sum up, we can not live without wild animals due to their profound effects on us. For this reason, we should try our best to protect them. Let’s remember one thing---- protecting wild animals is equivalent to protecting ourselves.
评：双重否定表示强调，是英语议论文的常见手法,令结尾收的坚定有力。Profound effects深远影响很好地呼应了文中提到过的野生动物保护的意义，令文章浑然一体。作者的观点跟结尾1作者观点完全一样，但采用了平实的陈述口气，并用了书面的地道词汇，equivalent to ,是一个很不错的结尾。
结尾3：
Certainly, our diet cannot be without meat. There are living stocks, which can provide us with sufficient and nutritious produce. Therefore, we need not to resort to wild animals, especially the endangered ones. To protect animals is to protect our living environment. Every individual should join efforts to keep the diversity of animals.
评：作者不仅会用否定句表达强调，还很及时地采用了让步式的收尾，指出，人当然要吃肉，但有众多家畜，不必杀戮野生动物，尤其是濒危的物种。让步式结尾让文章显的客观公正，符合英语议论文的要求和习惯，总体很有说服力。再加上语言上同样成功，地道的措辞，如，living stocks, sufficient and nutritious, resort to，endangered ones, join efforts, diversity 是一篇8分作文的经典结尾。
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