雅思无忧小编给大家带来了雅思作文免费批改英语 【雅思作文批改】5分：过于口语化，注意语法相关文章，一起来看一下吧。
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【雅思作文批改】6.5分：结尾段的语句不够精炼
【雅思作文批改】6.5分：结尾段的语句不够精炼1、危险的运动应该被取消 ，这样的话题出现的还是比较普遍的，相对来说也比较好写，但也因为范围太广不好找切入点，这位同学写得还不错，看看他是怎样展开思路的？
作文题目：
Some people think that
dangerous sports should be banned,but others think the people should have
freedom to choose sports activities.Discuss both views and give your opinion.
作文内容：
Extreme sports are becoming
increasingly popular due to the fact that individuals nowadays are awash with
repeated daily work and want to find something exciting to do.Although a
group of people believe that the dangerous sports should be banned,I firmly
hold the opinion that people have their rights and freedom to choose sports
activities.
There is no doubt that extreme
sports may be life-threatening.Even if the security facilities have been
improved significantly compared to the past,accidents do exist.For
instance,every year there are some people getting injured or even losing
their lives in bungee jumping as a result of the loose cords or jumping from
a inappropriate place.From this perspective,it seems that in order to protect
human beings from danger,dangerous sports should be restricted.
However,doing dangerous sports is
an effective way to alleviate stress and make people cherish their
lives.Nowadays,owing to the fast flow of information,individuals live a
fast-paced life.When they finish certain works,now ones quickly flock to them
which could breed high pressure.In this circumstance,extreme sports such as
skydiving can help them get rid of the troublesome work[A1]
as they need to totally focus on
the dangerous sports,which means,they have little time to think about their
work.Moreover,people may cherish their lives more via experiencing the
frightening feelings of death.
To conclude,although extreme
sports like bungee jumping and skydiving may be life-threatening,the
probability is quite small.Also,the
dangerous activities are beneficial because they could alleviate stress and
make people cherish their lives.[A2] Therefore,they should be continued
and the authorities have the duty to make the security facilities more
reliable.
[A1]摆脱的不是工作，而是工作带来的压力，这里需要修改；
[A2]和上面的重复过多，缓解压力变相表达就是心情变得更加愉悦，可以从这个角度来改变表达方式，后者及意识的生命的宝贵，不可直接把上面的句子拿下来
各项细评：
针对问题最大的一点给出修改建议：
结尾段的语句不够精炼，这点给整篇文章拉分。希望今后不要出现结尾段直接和上面表达雷同的情况，并且表达方式可以更加灵活
附批改原图：
雅思热文
雅思作文批改。100
1.has been tired about watching normal TV--》got tired of watching ordinary TV
Normal 和 abnormal 正反义词，（不）正常的
2.it demands
--》They would like to watch the ```(prefer )
3.there has been much debate revolving around the reality TV show.
--》there is a debate on （不需要完成进行时）
4.In the meanwhile--》Meanwhile
5.as a fresh form of TV program, audiences could gain tremendous entertainment and the number of the reality TV show audiences increase rapidly.
--》considering that it is a fresh form of TV program, audiences could gain tremendous entertainment ，besides，there is a fast increasing number of the reality TV show viewer .
主语：audiences ,不能audiences as a fresh form of TV program··
电视观众：television viewers
6.the viewers can be guided as to how they should handle their respective life issues as well.
--》the viewers can learn the way they handle their own life issues .
7.In the present age--》at present
···
整体感觉主被动有点混乱··个别词组，还是不要太汉语化··
纯粹个人理解··可参考··
【雅思作文批改】5分：过于口语化，注意语法
【雅思作文批改】5分：过于口语化，注意语法1、政府应该对铁路比公路花钱？ 这位同学整体架构比较完整，但是口语化比较严重，语法错误比较多，基础不够扎实，需多多练习。最终得分4.5-5分，还有很大的进步空间。
作文题目:大作文：剑11Test1大作文
Governments should spend
money on railways rather than roads.To what extent do you agree or disagree
with this statement?
作文内容：
Traffic problem has
disturbed government for a long term,as a lot of measure [b1] have been taken to solve
that, [b2] there are still some
problems remained,m[b3] any people say that
government should spend more money on rail rather than road,but i can not[b4]
totally agree with this
opinion.
Railway, comparing [b5] with road,has larger
capacity to load
[b6] goods or people,and it
is also a good choice for long-distance travel.One of the advantages of rail
is that you will never meet a traffic light or jam on your way to the destiny[b7] .Government have invest [b8] a lot to make it more safe[b9]
and convenient[b10] ,but sometimes it [b11] still makes trouble for people when it is at[b12]
peak time;[b13] such as Spring Festival in China,there are even not enough tickets
for those passengers who want to go home and [b14] they have to stay in the waiting room for a long time.So more
basic facilities or more trains are needed to serve such a large number of
people and increase the degree of comfort in passenger s [b15] journey.
On the contrast,road ,as
another way that frequently used,is more flexible than railway,b[b16] ut things changed when traffic condition is poor,ad [b17] people nowadays spend a lot of time on traffic jam due to the
increasing number of private cars,especially in those major cities.In order
to figure this problem,government should invest to build more roads like [b18] overhead-roads to release the traffic stress ,so that the air quality[b19]
in cities will improve a lot ,too.[b20]
Overall,fund [b21] are needed in both of areas,but it is not wise to say that more
money should be used in rail or road,it must according [b22] to the circumstance.
[b1]measures
[b2]but
[b3]注意断句，Many
[b4]写作中是cannot
[b5]compared
[b6]transfer
[b7]destination
[b8]has invested
[b9]safer
[b10]more convenient
[b11]指谁？
[b12]改成during
[b13]符号不对
[b14]又是连接谁？
[b15]passengers
[b16]另起一句，大写
[b17]？
[b18]这是口语用词
[b19]和空气质量有关这个逻辑在哪里？
[b20]口语
[b21]funds
[b22]情态动词后用原形
各项细评：
针对问题最大的一点指出问题：
改这篇文章感觉像是改口语段子，因为口语化的说法很多，最大的问题是简单语法错误和复杂语法中句子的断句。句子可以写长，但长句也遵循语法规则，需要连词或者合适的代词。需要系统学习语法。
临考前建议整理一下论点思路，考场发挥尽量不要出大的语法错误就可以了。
附批改原图：
END
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